what if every blade of grass was a penis?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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