I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
