Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
