I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
