Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize