his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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