There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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