That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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