She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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