I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
