No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
