wrigley field is MILF paradise
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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