Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
