Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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