Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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