I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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