if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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