Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
