I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
