made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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