turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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