just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
