Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
