chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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