I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
