I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
