I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
