you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
