I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize