Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
