should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
