i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I intend to get homeless drunk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
