In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
