we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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