Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
