I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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