I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
