before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
