drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
