mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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