We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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