even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
