She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
