Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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