Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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