What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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