Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
