Can i not drive my cunt home
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
