i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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