i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
