sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
