y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
