Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
