well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
