I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
